The Depression Monster

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. It gets better, but never truly goes away. Honestly, I could go on at length about it… for the sake of brevity I’ll save that for another post.

Right now I’m pretty deep in it. Like I can’t make myself get up to do anything other than basic needs for the kids if I’m alone. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the ability to smile and laugh and enjoy things, just not nearly as much as I should. There’s this anxiety-riddled tension, I can feel it tightening slowly like piano wire. I worry all the time that it’s going to snap. That’s not to say I’m a danger to myself or others, because I’m not on that level, but it can’t be good for me to feel like that regardless. I go back and forth between that frantic tension and complete sluggishness. And I’m a stress crier. *sigh*

I’ve had postpartum depression before. This is not what I would call PPD, it feels more like my general anxiety and depression combo. I treated the PPD after my second child was born and I felt better until it started interacting with my birth control.

I’ve tried to get back on track with my workouts and have been failing miserably up to this point. I’ve been lacking the focus and ability to plan that I need to be successful. I’ve got a plan to start over again when our tax refund comes in and I can acquire some of the things I need to do it up right. I’ll be back to post about my new plan of attack when it comes through.


January 7, 2015 – Week 1, Day 7

Again, not much to update other than I’ve been crazy hormonal. Obviously I’m not making great food choices right now. Pretty sure the end is nigh, so I should be ready to roll soon.

I have my 6 week postpartum check up at my OB on Friday. Hopefully they’ll have something helpful to say about my ridiculous back pain. I will be away from home all day, so I probably won’t resume workouts til Saturday or Sunday depending on what plans have been made.

January 5, 2015 – Week 1, Day 5

This day also did not go as planned.

The baby was having some tummy trouble and needed a lot of attention. Lots of screaming and diaper changes. The only way she would settle down is if I was holding her. My poor babe.

Between a sad baby and misbehaving older kids, I was busy until later in the afternoon.

I did end up getting in the wake up activities on the Beginners Calendar as well as 2 of the shorter workouts from Day 4 and 5. I also completed Day 4 of the Abs Challenge, sit ups workout, and squats workout. I had to stop after that to get everyone ready to go to the store. By the time we got back, ate dinner, and got everyone to bed… I was so done.

I’ve decided that I’m going to pause my workouts until my period is over. You never know when your first period will happen after you give birth… I’ve had the misfortune of starting my first periods within the 6 week recovery window after each pregnancy. I thought I probably would, but had no idea when it would happen.

So yeah, not getting off to the start I wanted, but I am not giving up!

[[ After this point it gets a bit graphic, so if you don’t want to know, go ahead and skip it. ]]

To clarify: my periods are THE WORST. I routinely missed school and work when I was younger because I couldn’t stand to be conscious. I get light-headed/dizzy, my back hurts so badly that I have to lay down because my spine can’t take the pressure of holding me up, my cramps put me in tears and make me unable to focus, any movement causes me to gush blood everywhere which just makes everything else worse, and none of this is alleviated by medication.

January 4, 2015 – Week 1, Day 4

Today did not go as planned.

I couldn’t do my burpees for the Blogilates Beginner’s Calendar because I have zero floor space in the bedroom, and while I can modify most of the workouts to be done on the bed, that is definitely not one of them. No problem, I can do that at night.


My husband and kids were feeling better after the flu – they wanted me to come out and spend time with them since I’d barely seen them in several days. Not that I’m complaining! It was nice to be with them again. All five of us were piled on top of each other on the couch and it was the happiest I’ve been in days. By the time the sick ones went to bed and the baby settled down enough to go to sleep it was way too late to try to start a workout. However, I did get in my sit ups and squats trainer workouts during a brief period of calm.

My water intake was almost nonexistent today. I didn’t drink enough today period, but I did drink beverages other than water, so that brought my water consumption down even more.

Tomorrow is my husband’s first day at his new job, which will give me use of the living room again! I should be able to do the remainder of today’s workouts as well as tomorrow’s without a problem.

Oh yeah, and TMI, I just started my first postpartum period… I’m feeling awesome. *sigh*

January 3, 2015 in pictures


January 3, 2015 – Week 1, Day 3

I was so lazy today!

My baby girl slept through the night for the first time last night! She’s slept for 4 or 5 hours at a stretch, but this time she slept from about 11pm to 7am. After breakfast we curled up and took a nap until 11am. It was so awesome!

I got a pretty late start on my workouts, but I did eat a decent breakfast this morning.

Made a trip to the store, completely forgot what we were going to get, and decided to indulge in some fast food since we’ve all been so miserable for the last several days. That was my last fast food meal for a long time.

While we were out we stopped by my SIL’s house to drop off her Christmas/birthday gift. She found her Fitbit sync dongle that she’s no longer using since she switched to Jawbone and I’m going to use that to sync my Flex until I can upgrade (because during our move we somehow misplaced all 4 of our sync dongles!).

Not much to say, really. Also, baby girl is bored = she’s fussing it out until she gets unbored.

January 2, 2015 – Week 1, Day 2

Holy crap was today hard! I can definitely tell I had a baby.

I knew it was going to be hard getting back into it and it was going to be worse because I’m only 5 weeks postpartum, but hot damn! It doesn’t help that one of my least favorite workouts was on deck. And I’m trapped in my cramped little bedroom with a newborn to avoid the flu plague ravaging the rest of my family.

Blogilates’s ABC Abs is by far my least favorite video. Seriously, it murders me every time. Even when I was getting stronger during my last fitness attempt it was very difficult for me. Don’t get me wrong, the actual workout is great, but I’m way too out of shape for that one on Day 2!

I’m still struggling with my water intake. Plant Nanny wants me to drink 133oz per day. Um, what?! I’m doing extremely well to get above 64oz, I have no clue how I’m going to get to what they expect! I need to remember to drink more often. Also, when I do remember to drink I need to stop being lazy and go get something to drink. I’m a terrible procrastinator on top of being lazy, so I’ll put off getting up to get a drink or eat for hours if I’m doing something else.

That’s another thing, I need to eat more meals and make better choices! I developed the habit of not eating multiple meals every day when I was very young. I get sick if I eat too early in the morning or am busy, so I quit eating breakfast when I was in elementary school. I didn’t have a locker for most of high school, so I gave up eating lunch. I developed a stress eating problem during elementary school that had flare ups in high school and now I still struggle with it. I tend to eat crap because I’m a picky eater as well. My eating habits are fucked. The point of all of that: I didn’t eat enough meals today.

All told my day wasn’t too bad. I did my workouts, got a reasonable amount of water in, and stayed within my calorie allotment.

My plan and apps I use.

To start with, my plan is kind of loose and more about making gradual changes. We weren’t prepared to completely overhaul our eating habits and restock our kitchen with healthy foods; we just had a baby, did Christmas for three kids, my husband’s switching jobs, and my two older kids (and subsequently my husband) turned up with the flu – we’re financially tapped as well as physically and emotionally drained. Also, all of my equipment and workout clothes are sitting in storage half the country away. Basically I’m doing a bare bones start. My plan will evolve as I gain momentum and start reacquiring things. Also, I’m so far out of shape from having this baby and my hard pregnancy, that I’m happy to be doing this at all.

My rough plan to start off:

  • Blogilates Beginner’s Calendar (6x/week)
  • Blogilates 30 Day Flat Abs Challenge (30 days)
  • Sit-up trainer (every day)
  • Squat trainer (every day)
  • Eat reasonable portions, try to stay within calorie range
  • Cut out fast food
  • Drink more water (at least 64oz/day)
  • Maintain blogs, this one and Tumblr (1 post/day)
  • Record everything in my Blogilates 2015 Fit Planner (every day)
  • Check in with my SIL regularly since we’re accountability partners!

The apps I’m using (Android):

  • Blogilates
  • Plant Nanny
  • Fitocracy
  • MyFitnessPal
  • Sit Ups Workout
  • Squats Workout
  • Fitbit (device required)
  • MapMyFitness (I sporadically use this, will be more useful as I become more active)